With the Thinking They Have
People are doing the best they can with the thinking that they have.
I first heard this phrase from Michael Neill, maybe during one of his many Advanced Course sessions.
Last night, sitting around a fire with friends—wine and whisky in hand—I shared this idea. It landed.
“Hmm, yeah. Nobody’s trying to screw up on purpose. They’re just doing what they think is right.”
—Friend A
That’s the heart of it. And there are two things I find especially helpful about this perspective—two things you might find helpful, too.
1. Our Thinking Is Always Different
What you’re focused on is rarely what someone else is focused on.
- You’re weighing which technology platform to implement, while they’re deciding what to pick up for dinner.
- You’re replaying an argument with your teenager, while they’re out living their own story, not thinking about you at all.
- You’re obsessing over a marketing message, but your audience may not even know you exist—let alone plan to read it
- “Accountability” means authority and ownership to you; to someone else, it means punishment for getting it wrong.
And on and on.
It’s so easy to assume others are operating from the same context, concerns, or intent that we are.
They almost never are.
2. It Keeps Ego in Check
This perspective helps me keep my ego in check. I’ll remind myself: They’re doing the best they can with the thinking they have.
And just as quickly, another voice pipes up:
“Yeah, but their thinking is so screwed up! Maybe I can fix that!”
That’s the trap.
We can’t “fix” other people’s thinking. Nor should we want to.
Their thinking is just that—theirs. What we say isn’t for everyone. What we do isn’t for everyone. What we want isn’t what everyone else wants.
It works in reverse, too. What others want, do, or say may not be for us—and that’s exactly as it should be.
Seth Godin puts it simply:
“People like us do things like this.”
Not everyone. Sometimes not even anyone else. That’s how it should be.
It’s worth remembering when we start thinking others need to be fixed—whether it’s their habits, behaviours, or thinking. If only they’d buy our thing, or change in the way we want, life would be better. Maybe, but probably not. What we do isn’t for everyone, and what they do may not be for us.
They’re doing the best they can with the thinking they have.
And so are you.
And so am I.
– Gerrett
This was originally published on Substack in my Human Systems Playground. But I’ve decided to bring all my writing home here.
